I Get To…

Words are powerful, and I'm going to share this in a story about what we call in our house, "tubby time". I remember cal’s first “bath” in the hospital. And the ritual that became tubby time, followed by “tummy”time in the tub. I love looking at pictures like this one, and can hardly believe he’s now 3 and a half and finding a way to make everything in his life a rocket.

But, I'm going to be real with you: I DON'T LIKE GIVING BATHS. I didn't back then. I don't love it now. Thankfully, my husband, Ryan, LOVES bath time, and we’ve found a routine that works for us. In the early days with the boys, it was his deep bonding time, while I got the beauty and benefits of nursing. My husband is also a pilot, and isn’t always here at bath time, so occasionally this duty falls to me.

You hear a lot about positive affirmations and the impact they can have. I have a hard time looking in the mirror and saying, "you're beautiful!" and feeling it if I don't SEE it. I know it can impact people profoundly, but it's not that easy for my cynical and skeptical mind. I’ve tried it in the past and never got anywhere. I believe a lot in the power of having a deeper reason, too. It’s possible this story panned out because it wasn’t about me this time, it was about them. Something I’ll continue to explore.

A simple experiment.

It was an attempt at bracing myself for "tubby time" that really made the power of words hit home for me (fast forward. I now have affirmations everywhere. I’ve even recorded a mantra to replay for myself!). But I found myself going up to tubby thinking about how much I don’t like it, and then being miserable through tubby. I’m unhappy, the kids feel that, they fuss, whine, and fight - or beg for my attention while I stare at the tubby timer, half engaged, and ready for story time. I didn’t want to do that to them. They LOVE tubby time, and I know this from the laughter and joy that float through the bathroom door when Ryan’s in there with them. The fact that tubbies with dad can last 30 minutes, and with me they can’t wait to get out after 10.

I decided to make a swap in my vernacular. A little one. With no strong expectations or goals—just the notion that, if nothing else, I land where I stand. Anytime I caught myself saying "I have to..."--even if it was a benign moment and I wasn't saying it in annoyance, I simply rephrased it outloud to, "I get to...." I specifically focused on family at first. It took time. I don't catch myself every time, but I kept doing it whenever I thought of it.

I had some set triggers like walking through the door after work, where I'd always say "I get to spend time with my family, now." Or when I’d wake in the morning, I’d really set the intention that I get to hug my sleepy little grouch monsters while they clung to me and reconnected with the reality of the waking world.

This is not a post advocating toxic positivity or ignoring that parenting can 100% just be hard. That we get tired. That sometimes we don't want to do things. Or don't like things that should be done. It wasn't meant to make me LOVE everything I was doing. It was just a reminder, that I GET to do this, I don't actually HAVE to. I don't know what I was going for exactly, just better, so I gave it a try.

Slowly, it started to trigger gratitude. It made me think about things like "what if I didn't get to clean the insane toddler mess after meal time (do they even eat any of it?!?!), because they were not here to clean up after." That I GET to comfort little souls who want nothing but ME when they wake alone in the night. That I GET to watch my healthy kiddos grow and learn both the easy ways, and the hard ways. That I get to fix the bathroom towels for the 700th time this week, because my house is full and busy and filled with love. What if I walked into that bathroom and the towels were always perfect, because I didn’t share it with any of them.

It made me appreciate more, and not spiral into a worse version of myself. It made me drop the little things. It made me STOP doing somethings I really didn’t HAVE to do (this one really took me by surprise!). It has made me a better mom and partner.

I still do not like bath time. I'm like a house cat. I don't like getting wet, and toddler baths are not a thing you experience while remaining dry. I don't look forward to it. I let Ryan do it when he's home and wants to. AND I DON'T FEEL GUILTY THAT BATH IS NOT MY THING. But when it falls on me, I don't live in my head hating the moment. I appreciate how cute they are splashing. The sweetness of the moments where they actually share. The excitement they get when I "draw" them their 2000th shaving cream rocket on the wall. I get to live those moments with love.

THE CHALLENGE: For a full week, catch yourself every time you think "I have to..." and reframe it out loud as "I get to...". You are not required to get excited about it. You are not required to love it. You just have to use the words and be open to whatever change comes.