My Journey off the sidelines and into my life…

Being a mom is the best and most challenging thing I’ve ever done. I’m also an “all in” kind of person that gets excited about too many things, struggles with the discipline to say “no”, and has a bad habit of burning out (anyone relate?). With kids in the mix, I KNEW I needed to grow in order to consistently be what they deserve. I have been striving for balance and trying to live presently and fully in the LITTLE moments, despite the chaos. I’d like to share that journey with other parents who are struggling like me. So this is my story:

I separated from active military in August 2020. My first son was born in December of 2020. I started a new job, my husband left the military, we moved across the country, and we welcomed our second son in August of 2022. And though these were all wanted and positive changes, it was a whirlwind.

The Challenge - my kids don’t sleep. And based on the number of programs and sleep consultants out in the world, I KNOW I’m not alone in this. I’ve personally spent thousands of dollars on sleep programs, gadgets, and sleep sacks only to find myself on a mattress on the floor getting kicked in the face for THREE AND A HALF YEARS.

My 3 year old does sleep through the night now, but it was hard earned. After many failed programs, fights over being 2 minutes off the latest nap schedule, nutrition programs, sleep sacks, and more, we felt defeated. My postpartum depression and anxiety were eating me alive as I talked to my friends who were giving me advice I had already tried in well meaning attempts to help us. Eventually I caved in on myself and suffered in silence. We found out last year that he struggles with proprioceptive sensory input and can’t self-soothe. “Was he a poor sleeper as a baby? It’s super common with kids like him, they can’t self soothe so no sleep training program in the world will help.” I cannot tell you what these words from our occupational therapist meant to me. I cried the whole drive home.

With our second son I was determined to meet him where he was at and not get hung up if sleep wasn’t great. A part of me also thought, “surely if I had one bad sleeper the other would be fine.” I was wrong. I can count on my own fingers the number of times I’ve slept through the night since December of 2020. And though I kept the anxiety and depression at bay with my second son, I didn’t have the option to nap and recharge with a toddler running around, and I just got tired. We eventually turned to sleep programs, went through many refunds, and though we didn’t fight about it this time around, my husband and I found ourselves, again, feeling defeated. As I write this, I’m still up almost hourly through the night as we await our sleep study appointment.

Although not depressed, I was exhausted. I was burnt out from life. I was irritable, and irritated. I told myself the gym wouldn’t be productive with this little sleep and took spare moments to nap instead of move my body. We had holiday photos taken in October of 2023. When I got the photos back, I just sat and cried. I didn’t know who I was looking at, but it couldn’t be me. I had gained weight, I looked drained, and I looked like I was somewhere else. That hit me in the heart.

When I was 18 I showed up at Syracuse University, and decided to check out Air Force ROTC. As I walked up the steps of Archbold gym, there was a sign on the wall, clearly built by cadets, that said “I don’t want to look back on my life and wonder what I did with it.” That was all it took for me to spend my college years and the next decade of my life in a fierce cycle of burnout trying to make an impact in national security. I was determined that I would look back and know my life mattered.

When my first son was born, I knew in my soul that THIS was why I was here. I quit my job and took a half time role within my comfort zone and did everything in my power to be home as much as I practically could with my kids. I went on to start a part time consulting business to get even more flexibility. I decked out our house like a Montessori preschool, read all of the books and blogs on how to be the best parent, meticulously found care givers that fit our parenting style and my unique kiddos needs. And yet here I was, looking at pictures of a mom who wasn’t really there.

After I took my moment to mourn the precious little moments I lost, I picked myself up, and made a plan. I’m human. I’ll get tired. I’ll need the nap. You won’t catch every little moment, but what’s important is to LIVE FULLY in the ones you do. I went on a quest for energy. In that process, I found clarity, and it’s changing me profoundly. As I write this, it’s been 7 months since I’ve started this journey. While I’m not there yet, I’m becoming a new mom, a new partner, and a new person. I’m learning to love myself in ways I never have before, and in doing so, love and live more fully with everyone that matters to me.

I am positive I’m not the only parent who feels like they’re watching these precious little moments from the sidelines, so I want to share my journey in hopes that it will help others with theirs.